Open sesame. (Original video)
Transcription:
“I recently began a subscription to GQ magazine and as a welcome gift, they give you a house-brick. Ha-ha, well not quite, but let’s see what’s inside it.
“Now, you can’t see it in shot just now but on the front, the Post Office - for some reason - have written, ‘S-N-L,’ on the front, twenty-sixth of January.
“Now, that of course stands for Saturday Night Live and I don’t know if they’re psychic or if they’ve been rifling through the mail, however as you know, Saturday night is LIVE FROM NEW YORK.
“Carry on.”
Talking the talk with @Adrienne65. (Original video)
I realise that I’ve used the word, “vernacular,” twice in this video, depleting my quota for the next six months.
Transcription:
“On seeing a recent entry, one of my regular correspondents said to me that I sound, ‘Rather posh for a Dundonian,” Dundonian being the vernacular for a resident of Dundee, Scotland.
“If I did talk like a native, and I never have done but I understand it, but if I did talk like a native, I might say, ‘Ehh et twa pehs, a plen ain an’ an ingin’ ain,’ which translated, says, ‘I ate two pies, a plain one and an onion one.’ So just be thankful I don’t talk like that all the time.
“And my sign-off, in local vernacular, would be, ‘Kerry oan.”
Any photo looks better with tilt-shifting.
I took the photo and applied the effect using http://tiltshiftmaker.com/.
Carry on.
Life begins at forty. (Original video)
Transcription:
“I went out tonight to get some new trousers and I got two black pairs. This one is a plain black and this is a stripy black.
“However, you’ll notice that the waist size is forty. Now, however much weight I seem to lose from going to the gym. I can just never get my waist size down, and frankly I just don’t know what’s causing it.
“So if you’ve any suggestions, if you’ve any tips, you can let me know.
“Carry on.”
Chinese Burns Night. (Original video)
Transcription:
“The twenty-third of January was Chinese New Year and the twenty-fifth of January will be Burns Night.
“So tonight, the twenty-fourth, we’ve decided to combine the two and have a Chinese Burns Night.
“Don’t try this at home, kids. Now, if you’ll excuse me.
“Carry on.”
Death of a salesman. (Original video)
I don’t know why the camcorder cut off so abruptly midway through because I left it running for the whole message. Anyway, you still get the general idea.
Transcription:
“[Answering machine] One new message. Message one. Today, three seventeen pm.”
“[Telemarketer] … not yet received their refund on a mis-sold payment protection insurance policy. It could be on either your credit card, mortgage or loan, and you may be entitled to thousands of pounds. Please press five…”
Carry on.
I like it. (Original video)
A parody of the Aldi comparison adverts, this time with clothes-pegs.
Transcription:
“I like these clothes-pegs. And I like these clothes-pegs.
“But I don’t really mind which I use. Lady Gav Gav does all the washing round here.”
Carry on.
Panic! (Original video)
Transcription:
“O-M-G, I am just up out of bed and I read in the paper that there’s a serial killer on the loose in the area.
“So it’s not the sort of thing I want to read at this time of the morning, but serial killer or not, I could murder a bowl of cornflakes.
“Carry on, you weirdos.”
It’s oh so quiet. (Original video)
This video has no speech, and you’ll see why when you watch it, but turn up your speakers for the jazz accompaniment.
Carry on.
The high lights. (Original video)
This is one of my Christmas presents, a shower head that lights up in different colours while the water’s running.
There is no speech, so no transcription, but the background music is Traffic Light by The Ting Tings. I was tempted to use Bernard Herrmann’s theme from Psycho.
Carry on.
You spin me round. (Original video)
I had to wash a few clothes on Saturday, and here is me putting them into the machine. There is no music, and the only speech is my perennial tag-line.
Carry on.
A video postcard. (Original video)
Saturday 7 January was the first sunny day that we’d had in Dundee for several weeks. Inspired by the old Pathé travelogues, I brought out my camcorder to capture the moment.
There is no speech or music, just the sounds that you hear from my back garden.
Carry on.
Here comes the judge. (Original video)
Transcription:
“Hiya, can’t stop very long. Going to tape Judge Judy.
“Just, er… oh good, I haven’t missed too much. Okay, got to rush, see you when I’ve got more time.
“Carry on.”
When you ride this bike, it plays music from the LPs attached to its wheels.
